Telling My Story

This last week I was asked to video my story about what happened to me December of 2009 when I got sick.  It really surprised me how emotionally exhausting it was to  re-tell that story.  When I first wrote this, I just slapped down some of my thoughts and feelings, so I had to come back and reword some it because it was kind of garbled. I of course had to replay back the video to see how ridiculous I looked...when did, I had to pause for a moment. All the feelings of anxiety, anger, frustration and immense sadness went rushing through me once again. How crazy is that?  It has been 2 1/2 years, you would have thought that by now I would have been able to just talk about this and maybe disconnect a little.

This is the part that hit me hard...

One of the required things for the video was to tell them how my health and life was before the event...

For me, life was pretty darn good. I was in the best shape of my life.  

Running at least 3 miles a day.

Keeping up with my 3 kids...running them to everything they had going on.
Never missing a beat.

I could definitely play a mean game of basketball, softball and volleyball.

Stamina was never an issue.

I kicked butt... and there really was not much that I could not do.

I was fit and happy.

I had the drive to climb the professional ladder.

I was in the best shape of my life...taking good care of myself.

Happy,fun loving and easy going.

I liked to be daring and try new things.

Now...

I live with anxiety... My heart races more often than not...Always in the back of my mind,"What if I get sick again?"  Worrying and obsessing about my health is a constant for me.  I physically have been changed forever and I will never be what I once was.  That in itself, makes me so angry.  My husband teases me that he thought he was the old one...he is 20 years my senior...I should be running circles around him. I know he is trying to make light of the situation to lift my spirits, but it frustrates me. I can't go, go like I used to, I tire very easily and I miss out on my kids' activities. I have missed out on my kids, especially Joe'l.  

My relationship with my Joe'l has really suffered over the course of the last two + years. Not being able to attend his activities has had a huge impact on our relationship.  That was our bonding time..my time to see him in his element, to be in his cheering section. I have been absent and I grieve for the loss of that bond. 

I am so saddened/angered that I will never have a biological child with my husband. I will never get to experience all of those firsts with him and to be honest that just flat out stinks.

How sad that at 35...my feisty, spunky always energetic life just stopped and it had been replaced the with this altered version of me!  I want the old me back.  I really, really do!

(I know, I know I am throwing myself a little pity party...it will soon pass. I don't stay in the dumpy dumps for long!)

This is picture was taken a few weeks after my stroke.

I slept through the entire Christmas holiday.  

I was so tired.

My kids were amazing  and they took good care of me.

(Maddie said they had fun because I let them play nerf darts in the house. I don't remember that at all)

I realize that I am lucky that my vision and the weakness on my left side is all that is visible, 

but the hidden damage is what really scares me the most.  Memory issues, the pain and stiffness, the fatigue...seriously it gets old! It is embarrassing at times to have to lift my leg into the car because it is so heavy from being on my feet too long. I could go on, but I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I know that I am blessed to have the health that I do have.  I know that have to keep working to getting my health under control.  I know that it will always be a struggle...some days are worse than others, but the fact that I do have what I have, gives me hope that with hard work I can get back to where I was or least close.  I still love my life...it is just different now...(see pity party is over) Babble, babble...I just wanted to vent and so I did.  

Inspiring...

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